Define.

What is the past and what is the future? Is the past written in the future or the future written in the past? As humans we believe whatever happen in the past brings the future. Things like memories can not be in the future if it didn’t have the past to write it and the future knows no memories if the past was not there.

We alway blame the past for things that did not go our way in the future. Whatever it was a love one that we never told how we felt back then only to blaming the condition that we was giving in the future. Many of us lie to ourself that the future is not here and so we think to ourself that we are living in the past.

Self.

Life is full of suprises that you can not expect what will happen. I have to admit the past really impacted my future. Who knew I was going to actually join the military if something didn’t impact me so much. When I look back in the past I wish I had did many things differently. I blame myself now because I wasn’t able to express myself like I wanted to but was I right for blaming the condition?

She was my inspiration, she was the life I wanted, she was the person I’ve dream of taking care of no matter how things went. Now here I am in the future after the storm settle down, I can see her now walking towards me. But she’s not walking by herself anymore neither I’m I. But we seem to be walking a parallel line as if we was living in the past. I thought to myself this can’t be a dream, she so in my reach but yet so far. Have she move on because it has been so long, how about me, have I jump in a relationship because my heart was so hurt.

I’m I being selfish and unfair to the person I’m with. She don’t deserve me because my heart isn’t at the right place. I’m living in the past because all I know is the memories I still have and believe. The women of my past walks with me, her soft calm voice relaxes my heart. I feel as if I’m rewritting the future as if she never left.

Poem.

She walks down the same river,
Still tosses a pebble,
And looks for the ripples,

She has always been a loner,
And on the other side of,
the river was a friend,

She has not been able to swim,
across the river.
for she was afraid of drowning.

She stares at the river,
Indifferent mass of water,
That has wickedly changed its color,

No longer transparent.

As the sun begins to,
kiss the sky,
She looks across again,
Her friend looks back,
and stick his hands out.

She begins to put her feet in the river
To fight her fear of drowning,
But river current was strong,
She gets out,
And she begins to think
about acrossing again.

The agony of deciding if she cross or not.
Do she crosses or do she stays. 
While he waits across the river.

Define.

We go through life being told that time do not stop for anyone or anything. Even through death, life does go on which is hard to take in. Sometime we make ourselves believes that it does stop, faking what is real and what’s not. It’s humans nature to believe these things, when theres no answers to questions we have. We leave a reality to a world of make believes. But in the end, it is us to realize that the world doesn’t stop for no body and we must learn to go on with our lives.

Self.

….The Civilian life was hard for me to adjust after my many months of intense training I had when I joined the Air Force. I knew it was going to happen but didn’t know how much I was going to be able to handle. After many months, I realize that the world didn’t stop for me. The bills was going to keep coming and money was going to run out somewhere along the line.

It’s never too late to realize where your life is going. It’s what you do after that counts the most…I’m ready to get brainstorming and move forward with my life. I’m going keep my life busy by writting more and planning new projects.

Stay tune…

Define.  

Self identity is said to be an essence of a self-conscious mind, it makes a person uniquely what they are. Over time, modifications to one self can change in a person’s identity. People sometime make their actions be the reason to change them self.

Self.

On July 21, 2008 my journey came to an end. Half a year went by, Gee! I have return from a life of isolation from the East to the Midwest, aways from the family and friends I had once knew. My completion of the AirForce basic training and tech-school push me, physically and mentally. Six weeks of Basic military training, where I was put through many challenge in my ability to stay focus under pressure. Then the thirteen weeks of physical training and my will to survive in a combat environment in 100+ degree weather!

My life changed since I have made a choice to join the military. Somewhere in my life I wanted to change myself from the person people had once knew. The journey was like a rollcoaster, the ups and downs, I had thought about giving up many times. But then I remember the action, I have taken was to prove that I could be someone in society. I have met many people during the six months. It’s true what they say, people come in and out of your life but it’s not who you meet it’s the memories they leave you that is important. I honestly do have many memories, especially the one with someone special.

Since I came back, I have been feeling the lows. I stare out in the air blank. It sometime feel like I’m lost and don’t seem to know what I want to do now. I usually don’t end my entry like this but there so much in my head, I’m thinking it’s post training depression. Maybe I should try to breathe, Stay POSTED.

Define.

There are two type of peoples out there, but boths have one thing in common. It is to know the reasons for existence. It doesn’t matter if you have everything or have nothing at all. Somewhere along the line you struggle through life wondering the same way. Existence is a question of why,  it doesn’t have a true answer to it. Each one of us wants to see what the future holds. We fight through each days to survive another day of questions. Life is more then chocolate or better yet more then soldiers blood spilt in war. To some people existence is a state of peace and unity. To most people, the answer to existence is  to be happy until everyone is.

Self.

I defined existence today because I am that person who’s alway looking for the answer but never getting one. Most of you already know I join the U.S Airforce, I can tell you now that my real reason in joining is to find my existence. I wanted to feel alive, to work for something through my sweat, and change the way I view life. Before this I’ve saw my existence only to find that special girl and make my life revolve around her and working day in and day out like everyone out there. But life isn’t about that, after falling hard, I’ve pick myself up and decided to do something about it. My existence now was to change. The Airforce was the place to do it.

It been almost 10 weeks since I left, what I can say about it is that the experiences that I took out of basic training was something that only 4 percent (1 percent) of Americans will ever get to see. I can talk more about my journey and experience but that will be saved for later.

Define.

Our generation been through many technological advances of media and entertainment between the 90s and the 21st century. We were once a TVaholic type of people, watching T.V all day long endlessly.  The introduction of  reality TV took the media world to another direction. Shows like MTV’s ; the Real World, Road Rules, Super Sweet Sixteen and others shows currently running on different network. They have kept us entertained because we like watching other people live theirs life on T.V hoping to one day do things like them, so we keep watching.

But with the introduction of the World Wide Web, it have totally change the ways we view medias and entertainments. Blogs have come along way in becoming the next source of entertainments. They always said reading was the best source of entertainments and this is proven to be right. Services like Xanga.com have been giving us the ability to show ourself to the world. They have come along way and alway improving their system to fill the people needs. One feature that is great is that you can interact with your viewers through comments. Unlike the T.V actors, they can not interact with their viewers like blogs can.

Blogging let us show our lifestyle to the world, you might not know it but blogging is a big business over seas. People can become a celebrity overnight with only a few words to say. An example of a famous Xanga celebrity would be Dawn Yang, she became a overnight star in the Singapore world because of her lifestyles and the places she dines in. We could only dreams that we can become something like that and being able to blog about it. We have yet to learn what else Xanga can bring to the table in the upcoming years.

Old Xanga

New Xanga

Define.

Why do we believe breaking a mirror could bring seven years’ of bad luck? Maybe because it is believe that the soul projects into the mirrors which comes as a form of a relection which is perhaps the most widely known superstition. It is then the belief that breaking a mirror also broke the soul of those who broke it. The broken soul, is so angered at being hurt, that seven years of bad luck is a trade for such carlessness.

Can a mirror be use as relection of the heart that we hold? If they are related then the superstition related to the soul would be intervine. Like a mirror being broken, the heart of the one we broke will give us bad luck in a trade for being broken and misused. We will go through a period which life feels incomplete in a trade for being cruel.

Self.

I never broken a mirror in my life before, I should be get alot of good luck through out my life right? I never really believe in superstition because life isn’t about living your life in a myth, its about living your life entirely for the moment. Something I wonder when my heart is broken will the other person feels my pain in their life? Like a broken mirror, will their soul be angered of being hurt and curse them?

I been through so much pain through out my life, this heart been broken into many pieces and glue back together many times. For once in my life I’ve wonder will I ever find someone to accept who I am. Giving my all and accepting everything that I would offer. But is happiness really about keeping each other hearts in one piece and not like a broken mirror? I find the heart is like a mirror…we don’t want to break it because we might repay it and feel what we done.

Poem.

As I look into the mirror,
it only shows what I want to see.
The soul that reflects back,
only define what I have become.
Dark eyes stares back at me,
showing the darkness that my life have become,
This smile only fake what is real,
but yet nothing seem wrong with it,
I’m I the mirror of my image,
or the image of my mirror?

Define.

If life was like a highway full of cars all going straight, we wouldn’t have to decide on anything in life but to follow the cars in front. The comparisons between a highway and life can be related because just like a highway, you can never drive backward at the moment you miss your exit. Just in life you may never undo the mistakes you have done but to keep moving forward, sometime we live our life in regrets hoping the next detour will lead you back on track. 

Self.

I never knew a highway could say so much about life. I was inspire when I realize these two have alot in common. I can honestly say I’ve made many mistakes in my life only to know later I’ll regret them. From the many relationships I have been in, I alway end up looking back thinking how I should of done things differently. But like a highway, you can not just pull it in reverse and undo your error. You have to take a detour which will lead you back to your destination.

No matter how long this detour takes you.

I think life isn’t alway about following this highway straight just because we think it’s the safest way to not get hurt. We are scared to take a detour, we may never learn from our mistakes if we don’t miss some exits. I like to use a highway full of cars as a metaphor because it translate into a crowd full of people. We are alway trying to search for the perfect love on this highway, always thinking everything is straight forward. But in reality love isn’t simple it’s complicated, there will be potholes and bumps that will be there to slow us down when we’re speeding.

There will be many detours that we will end up taking just to get to the destination of our happiness.

Define.

There are words in life that we use to mean certain things, but have you ever thought the words “I love you” be use to hurt someone. The impact of these words be as cruel as saying “I hate you”. We use these three words not knowing the impact that it does. We do not think of the long term affect it has on someone, it could mean the world when someone hears it only to find out that it wasn’t true. Some people use the words to gain advantage over someone, when they know that person is weak and will give in once the words are said. These words can be use like a hot knife, slowly cutting the person heart like butter. The long affect of these words can change someone life and every aspect of how they view themself and the world.

Self.

I’ve alway been scared to hear those words because it could be the death of me. What’s the reason to think like that? Before I tell you, I want you to stop and think for a second: What can hurt you without being touch, and cause no phsyical marks? What causes long impacts to you everyday and slowly kills you? What make you go through the days thinking if it’s all a lie? Of course words like “I love you” can do this to you. In all my relationship that I’ve ever had, not once have I said these words first or have it said to me with an impact. I have been through about 56 girls which consist of dates and relationship, none have ever made me feel how I’m feeling today.

In my love story that I’m living, these words had a really hard impact on me. Have you ever had those words said to you after you thought all hope was gone? Like the person that left a scar in your heart 8 months ago comes back in your life and said these three words in tears, “I love you”. How do you respond to that? You don’t, you accept and hope every words is true because your heart is weak at the moment. I have never felt this much impact from these little words before. Ever since that day, it feel like the words she said is slowly cutting my heart only wishing that she’ll be the one to actually heal the hurting inside. I know that it’s complicated to understand but who said love wasn’t complicated.

There’s no happy ending to this story yet just a beginning.

Poem.

Picture a highway that never ends,
Take a drive: don’t be scared,
Turn the music up a notch,
Clear your mind: release your soul,
Let your heart take the drive,
it’ll take you: on a journey,
Oh wait, watch out: traffic ahead,
Turn here: exit here,
Make a U-turn: left turn here,
Where this heart takes you,
Your’ll never know,
on this endless highway: drive.

Event.

I’ve finally recieved some pictures from the snowboard trip. This blog entry will be broken down into two parts, so you guys won’t yell at me for photo spamming! I hope you guys enjoy part one of the photos. Just a advance you can click on the small pictures see it bigger.

 

End of Part One.

Define.

Our life, consist of waiting, whatever it is a question that needs to be answer or a closures that was never close. Sometime we don’t know what else do but wait, we are scared to face the facts.  Maybe because we’re afraid the answers in front of us isn’t the one we were looking for. But in many cases we are waiting for somethings that will never have an answer to.

Self.

I been totally feeling lost lately, feeling as if half of me isn’t here no more. Maybe I’ve been thinking too much and dug myself in this hole again. I think it’s because it happen before and now it seem like it’s going to happen again. I’m looking for answer once again and denying the outcome. I’m waiting for a closures this time rather going months of deja vu. Why do things like this alway happen to me, I mean have you ever felt like your heart reach the highest point and then it hits rock bottom. Do you know how that feels? Not knowing what happen to that person, it makes you want to wait your whole life searching for the answer. I like to pretend that everything happen for a reason and hoping there will be an answer to everything if I wait it out. But what if it happen twice, what do you do? How much can this heart take.

Please don’t leave me.

I’m I being selfish, not seeing the other side? Have I forgotten that it takes two hearts to be complete. I guess the only way for me to know is to wait once again.

Poem.

Everyday I wake up and I’m depressed
Won’t anyone help me?
A little voice in my head says
That I don’t deserve to be rescued
And I know it’s true, no matter what I try to do
It always ends the same way

I’m smiling, but inside I’m dying
I never let anyone see me cry
I’m just waiting to be rescued
Waiting here, but I’m starting to give up

I’ll just say my goodbye,
Because I know I will alway,
end back at square one.
Waiting for you to come and save me
I know I’m begging,
But no everyone deserve to be put on wait.