Define.

There are words in life that we use to mean certain things, but have you ever thought the words “I love you” be use to hurt someone. The impact of these words be as cruel as saying “I hate you”. We use these three words not knowing the impact that it does. We do not think of the long term affect it has on someone, it could mean the world when someone hears it only to find out that it wasn’t true. Some people use the words to gain advantage over someone, when they know that person is weak and will give in once the words are said. These words can be use like a hot knife, slowly cutting the person heart like butter. The long affect of these words can change someone life and every aspect of how they view themself and the world.

Self.

I’ve alway been scared to hear those words because it could be the death of me. What’s the reason to think like that? Before I tell you, I want you to stop and think for a second: What can hurt you without being touch, and cause no phsyical marks? What causes long impacts to you everyday and slowly kills you? What make you go through the days thinking if it’s all a lie? Of course words like “I love you” can do this to you. In all my relationship that I’ve ever had, not once have I said these words first or have it said to me with an impact. I have been through about 56 girls which consist of dates and relationship, none have ever made me feel how I’m feeling today.

In my love story that I’m living, these words had a really hard impact on me. Have you ever had those words said to you after you thought all hope was gone? Like the person that left a scar in your heart 8 months ago comes back in your life and said these three words in tears, “I love you”. How do you respond to that? You don’t, you accept and hope every words is true because your heart is weak at the moment. I have never felt this much impact from these little words before. Ever since that day, it feel like the words she said is slowly cutting my heart only wishing that she’ll be the one to actually heal the hurting inside. I know that it’s complicated to understand but who said love wasn’t complicated.

There’s no happy ending to this story yet just a beginning.

Poem.

Picture a highway that never ends,
Take a drive: don’t be scared,
Turn the music up a notch,
Clear your mind: release your soul,
Let your heart take the drive,
it’ll take you: on a journey,
Oh wait, watch out: traffic ahead,
Turn here: exit here,
Make a U-turn: left turn here,
Where this heart takes you,
Your’ll never know,
on this endless highway: drive.

Event.

I’ve finally recieved some pictures from the snowboard trip. This blog entry will be broken down into two parts, so you guys won’t yell at me for photo spamming! I hope you guys enjoy part one of the photos. Just a advance you can click on the small pictures see it bigger.

 

End of Part One.

Define.

Our life, consist of waiting, whatever it is a question that needs to be answer or a closures that was never close. Sometime we don’t know what else do but wait, we are scared to face the facts.  Maybe because we’re afraid the answers in front of us isn’t the one we were looking for. But in many cases we are waiting for somethings that will never have an answer to.

Self.

I been totally feeling lost lately, feeling as if half of me isn’t here no more. Maybe I’ve been thinking too much and dug myself in this hole again. I think it’s because it happen before and now it seem like it’s going to happen again. I’m looking for answer once again and denying the outcome. I’m waiting for a closures this time rather going months of deja vu. Why do things like this alway happen to me, I mean have you ever felt like your heart reach the highest point and then it hits rock bottom. Do you know how that feels? Not knowing what happen to that person, it makes you want to wait your whole life searching for the answer. I like to pretend that everything happen for a reason and hoping there will be an answer to everything if I wait it out. But what if it happen twice, what do you do? How much can this heart take.

Please don’t leave me.

I’m I being selfish, not seeing the other side? Have I forgotten that it takes two hearts to be complete. I guess the only way for me to know is to wait once again.

Poem.

Everyday I wake up and I’m depressed
Won’t anyone help me?
A little voice in my head says
That I don’t deserve to be rescued
And I know it’s true, no matter what I try to do
It always ends the same way

I’m smiling, but inside I’m dying
I never let anyone see me cry
I’m just waiting to be rescued
Waiting here, but I’m starting to give up

I’ll just say my goodbye,
Because I know I will alway,
end back at square one.
Waiting for you to come and save me
I know I’m begging,
But no everyone deserve to be put on wait.

Define.

“What if” is one of the most critical question we ask through out our life. We ask it when things goes wrong, when things seem too perfect and sometime when we are unsure about things. We feel a sense of being lost, losing hope or afraid of being alone that we think “What if”. We like to think everything will be okay, but in reality we lie to ourself only to believe it in the end. We related the question; toward our relationships, only to be afraid of losing that person.

Self.

Through out my whole life I’ve alway ask the question “What if”. It feels like that everything in life has two paths, that’s why I ask “What if”. Is the path that I’m taken the right choice or is the other one a better choice? Should I have done this rather that? What if I’ve done too much? What if I’ve gave too much? What if giving my heart completely was wrong? What if I’ve scared her off with my love? What if I’m gone will she miss me? What if she never truely love me the way she said she does? What if this is just a game?

Asking this question can drive anyone crazy. I do understand that some question aren’t mean to be answer but rather to let it go on it course. But what if you had a choice of what the out come was? Do you just stand around and wait for what suppose to happen, or be the one to change what will happen? I don’t know what is going on with me lately but it feel like I have been asking the same question over and over. Maybe it’s just nothing and I’m thinking too much of it. It’s effecting me in a way that I’m not myself. I hate this feeling not being able to control how I’m feeling. Had I fell in love too quick, or did she really mean it when she said “I love you”.

Poem.

The vision of you,
in my arms,
seem a blur as I’ve ask,
myself what if,
you never took that,
path which led you,
to me,

What if,
you never said
the I Love You thing,
would I feel what I’m,
feeling right now,

What if,
you never found me again,
would I be as happy,
to hear from you,
as I am now?

And what if,
you leave again,
would my heart,
be able to handle it,
this time.

What if…I regret
what I’m about to do,
and let you go then disappear,
would you cry inside,
like I have?

Define.

Loneliness is anyone’s. Some experience it in isolation, some in solitude, and some at family dinner. It is relinquishment and rejection. It is that state of being that allows for nothing, yet everything. It is an eternal mode of humanity made of perception that only you may know. It is realization in your human condition, the shadow of you and only you, a creeping, stealthy whisper to deaf ears. Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness/isolation. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the world.

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Everyone has times when he or she is alone through circumstances or choice. Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individual’s control. As such, feeling alone can be a healthy emotion and, indeed, choosing to be alone for a period of solitude can be enriching. To experience loneliness, however, can be to feel overwhelmed by an unbearable feeling of separateness at a profound level.

Self.

As a child I have alway felt that I was alone, it wasn’t because I had isolated myself from the world but how the world treated and saw me. It was the environment that I had live in, that made me feel this way. Because I was a different, I was isolated from being myself. Sometime I felt like this feeling was never going to go away as a grew older. Being alone had it’s positive times, when I look back I could say I mature faster then most guys my age. The way I’ve thought about and saw things told me; as you grow older what you did back then didn’t really matter.

Poem.

This place that you have enter,
where you sit or stand alone,
and loneliness you embrace.

Your heart approaches with pain,
your mouth gets dry,
all you feel like doing,
is sitting down to cry.

It feels like emptiness for miles,
here there are no smiles,
all you have is yourself,
and your broken heart.

The loneliness grows,
and that horrible feeling starts,
you hear nothing only groans.

The only people you see,
don’t even care about you,
they only live to survive.
Every time they talk,
everything takes a dive.
So you just stand there,
wishing that someone cared,
but all they do,
is laugh and stare.

Cold people see you from a distance,
they don’t want to be near you,
they don’t even want to hear you.
Their insensitivity,
is uncalled for and unfair,
they leave you alone and in despair.

All you do is sit there alone,
you wish they would approach you,
but oh well.

You need a good friend,
and you feel that if you don’t find  one,
your sad world might soon end.

Poem.

There was never a goodbye,
just a silence,
Everyday I waited for this,
silence to go away,

It been 8 months,
since you left,
Still I couldn’t hear,
the music that once played,
when you was here.

I’ve miss you,
Have you miss me?
I thought about you,
Did you ever thought about me?
Yet this silence couldn’t go unbroken,

But what’s this?
I hear music playing,
the one I heard when you was here,
Of two hearts beating,

It doesn’t matter,
where you have gone,
You are here,
I’m still here,
now let’s these two heart,
plays it music.

Define.

The reality of life is sometime projected as a movie that we watch.  They capture our hearts and we wish that it could happen to us. But movies are a fantasy which blends into reality, we forget that they are a portrait of our life. We sometime get lost in love and find that movies can become realistic as we watch. We get lost in translation with fantasy and reality; fairly tales and love stories that we think will never happen to us. But honestly life is like a movie, we are the actors and actresses. What we fear is that movies are so perfect that it would never happen. We can act our parts or write our own scripts. It all depends on how we see ourself projected on the big screen. Rather then watching other people project how we should see ourself, why don’t be make one? We already put on a act when we go out or meet someone. Life can sometime be hard and we want to escape it.

Self.

Sometime I view my life as a movie, and I’m the actor. I’ve watch so many movies in my life that sometime it feel like it’s just a fantasy and that it could never happen to me. But I’ve realize as I grew older that movies are a protrait of reality that we seem to miss when we are watching.  It’s like if I’m down I can put on an act and become someone else. To most people I’m the funny guy people love to joke around or make jokes but honestly I act my role. Playing that part allows me to hide myself, protecting what I’m afraid to show. I’ve been in relationship and out of relationship so many time that I realize that I couldn’t act anymore because nothing was real anymore. Personally being single for 3-4 years, you become more mature and realize things differently.

But looking back on 2007, my life was like a movie. It was like a love story that you watch in the movies, finding someone special in my life. Just like a sad love story, the one I’ve fell in love with left without saying a word. It hurt so bad that after it became my darkest time. I became lost in my world thinking about all those movies I seem, where the girl comes back and explain why she left. Movies blended with reality gave me hope, that one day she’ll come back and explain why she left. But honestly grab some popcorn because this life I live is like a scene from the movies.

After 8 months, she came back to me in a complicated way. I’ve thought I would never see her or talk to her ever again. During my darkest time I’ve decided to join the airforce to find myself, and that’s when she came back. We wrote to each other back and forth. That’s when she explain everything to me and told me things that I couldn’t believe. Then I heard her voice for the very first time again and my heart skipped a beat. There was so many emotions, when I heard her cry and say words that I lost in my vocabulary over the years. That’s when I realized that I’ve felt the same and felt she would be the one I only want. I am looking forward for the years to come to see if this is meant to be. Cupid is tired of being alone, flying with his arrows and watching other people fall in love that it’s his time.