Define.

"What if" is one of the most critical question we ask through out our life. We ask it when things goes wrong, when things seem too perfect and sometime when we are unsure about things. We feel a sense of being lost, losing hope or afraid of being alone that we think "What if". We like to think everything will be okay, but in reality we lie to ourself only to believe it in the end. We related the question; toward our relationships, only to be afraid of losing that person.

Self.

Through out my whole life I've alway ask the question "What if". It feels like that everything in life has two paths, that's why I ask "What if". Is the path that I'm taken the right choice or is the other one a better choice? Should I have done this rather that? What if I've done too much? What if I've gave too much? What if giving my heart completely was wrong? What if I've scared her off with my love? What if I'm gone will she miss me? What if she never truely love me the way she said she does? What if this is just a game?

Asking this question can drive anyone crazy. I do understand that some question aren't mean to be answer but rather to let it go on it course. But what if you had a choice of what the out come was? Do you just stand around and wait for what suppose to happen, or be the one to change what will happen? I don't know what is going on with me lately but it feel like I have been asking the same question over and over. Maybe it's just nothing and I'm thinking too much of it. It's effecting me in a way that I'm not myself. I hate this feeling not being able to control how I'm feeling. Had I fell in love too quick, or did she really mean it when she said "I love you".

Poem.

The vision of you,
in my arms,
seem a blur as I've ask,
myself what if,
you never took that,
path which led you,
to me,

What if,
you never said
the I Love You thing,
would I feel what I'm,
feeling right now,

What if,
you never found me again,
would I be as happy,
to hear from you,
as I am now?

And what if,
you leave again,
would my heart,
be able to handle it,
this time.

What if...I regret
what I'm about to do,
and let you go then disappear,
would you cry inside,
like I have?

Define.

Loneliness is anyone's. Some experience it in isolation, some in solitude, and some at family dinner. It is relinquishment and rejection. It is that state of being that allows for nothing, yet everything. It is an eternal mode of humanity made of perception that only you may know. It is realization in your human condition, the shadow of you and only you, a creeping, stealthy whisper to deaf ears. Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness/isolation. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the world.

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Everyone has times when he or she is alone through circumstances or choice. Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individual's control. As such, feeling alone can be a healthy emotion and, indeed, choosing to be alone for a period of solitude can be enriching. To experience loneliness, however, can be to feel overwhelmed by an unbearable feeling of separateness at a profound level.

Self.

As a child I have alway felt that I was alone, it wasn't because I had isolated myself from the world but how the world treated and saw me. It was the environment that I had live in, that made me feel this way. Because I was a different, I was isolated from being myself. Sometime I felt like this feeling was never going to go away as a grew older. Being alone had it's positive times, when I look back I could say I mature faster then most guys my age. The way I've thought about and saw things told me; as you grow older what you did back then didn't really matter.

Poem.

This place that you have enter,
where you sit or stand alone,
and loneliness you embrace.

Your heart approaches with pain,
your mouth gets dry,
all you feel like doing,
is sitting down to cry.

It feels like emptiness for miles,
here there are no smiles,
all you have is yourself,
and your broken heart.

The loneliness grows,
and that horrible feeling starts,
you hear nothing only groans.

The only people you see,
don't even care about you,
they only live to survive.
Every time they talk,
everything takes a dive.
So you just stand there,
wishing that someone cared,
but all they do,
is laugh and stare.

Cold people see you from a distance,
they don't want to be near you,
they don't even want to hear you.
Their insensitivity,
is uncalled for and unfair,
they leave you alone and in despair.

All you do is sit there alone,
you wish they would approach you,
but oh well.

You need a good friend,
and you feel that if you don't find  one,
your sad world might soon end.

Poem.

There was never a goodbye,
just a silence,
Everyday I waited for this,
silence to go away,

It been 8 months,
since you left,
Still I couldn't hear,
the music that once played,
when you was here.

I've miss you,
Have you miss me?
I thought about you,
Did you ever thought about me?
Yet this silence couldn't go unbroken,

But what's this?
I hear music playing,
the one I heard when you was here,
Of two hearts beating,

It doesn't matter,
where you have gone,
You are here,
I'm still here,
now let's these two heart,
plays it music.

Define.

The reality of life is sometime projected as a movie that we watch.  They capture our hearts and we wish that it could happen to us. But movies are a fantasy which blends into reality, we forget that they are a portrait of our life. We sometime get lost in love and find that movies can become realistic as we watch. We get lost in translation with fantasy and reality; fairly tales and love stories that we think will never happen to us. But honestly life is like a movie, we are the actors and actresses. What we fear is that movies are so perfect that it would never happen. We can act our parts or write our own scripts. It all depends on how we see ourself projected on the big screen. Rather then watching other people project how we should see ourself, why don't be make one? We already put on a act when we go out or meet someone. Life can sometime be hard and we want to escape it.

Self.

Sometime I view my life as a movie, and I'm the actor. I've watch so many movies in my life that sometime it feel like it's just a fantasy and that it could never happen to me. But I've realize as I grew older that movies are a protrait of reality that we seem to miss when we are watching.  It's like if I'm down I can put on an act and become someone else. To most people I'm the funny guy people love to joke around or make jokes but honestly I act my role. Playing that part allows me to hide myself, protecting what I'm afraid to show. I've been in relationship and out of relationship so many time that I realize that I couldn't act anymore because nothing was real anymore. Personally being single for 3-4 years, you become more mature and realize things differently.

But looking back on 2007, my life was like a movie. It was like a love story that you watch in the movies, finding someone special in my life. Just like a sad love story, the one I've fell in love with left without saying a word. It hurt so bad that after it became my darkest time. I became lost in my world thinking about all those movies I seem, where the girl comes back and explain why she left. Movies blended with reality gave me hope, that one day she'll come back and explain why she left. But honestly grab some popcorn because this life I live is like a scene from the movies.

After 8 months, she came back to me in a complicated way. I've thought I would never see her or talk to her ever again. During my darkest time I've decided to join the airforce to find myself, and that's when she came back. We wrote to each other back and forth. That's when she explain everything to me and told me things that I couldn't believe. Then I heard her voice for the very first time again and my heart skipped a beat. There was so many emotions, when I heard her cry and say words that I lost in my vocabulary over the years. That's when I realized that I've felt the same and felt she would be the one I only want. I am looking forward for the years to come to see if this is meant to be. Cupid is tired of being alone, flying with his arrows and watching other people fall in love that it's his time.

Define. 

Every generation goes through some changes, it's something that we can not stop even if we try. As humans it is a sign of our growth in life. Everyday we wake up only to see the changes around us. Through the days and nights, the sun and clouds, the seasons and weathers are some changes that are static that we live with. As a culture we create some changes in each generation; through technology, music, fashions and media advances our life becomes dynamic. We are meant to advance in life as human beings to keep our race alive.

Change can also be seem through our relationships and experiences, it is something we call social changes. We can be in love with someone one day only to wake up and completely change our feeling toward that person. We go through life thinking that relationship is static, where we believe that it would never change after finding the right person. We are naive in the way we views relationships at a young age. As we grown, we change only to mature on how to see at it differently.

Self.

My life through out the years went through a lot of changes. Sometime I wish that changes never happen and that my life wasn't so dynamic sometime. Some memories that I remember back then were; being dirt poor after coming to America in 89', remembering how it was when we ate dinner as a family, growing up with my childhood friends, wishing on a star that I get bigger eyes so I don't look so asian!, then what I have really miss was when my dad would take my brothers and sister and me to NYC for Christmas/New Years to experiences how it would be like to spend time with the family. If I knew that today those things would never happen again the same way, I would of ask to spend more time. Changes is diffcult to face sometime because we want to re-live the good days over, wishing that it would never end. It's as if we feel powerless and helpless.

As the year 2007 is about to come to an end, it has been a crazy year in my life. It was a year for the ups and downs, the good times and the dark times and myself being completely lost in life. When I look back on the year that is about to end, I've realize that alot happen; the new friends I've met became alittle closer while the old friends became even closer, love and heartache were side by side. new birth of life enter my life with my baby nephew, the enlistment of the Airforce, and she came back in my life.

With her coming back in my life it seem like 2008 is full of suprises to come, I only hope that she'll be with me for many years to come. With my enlistment, I only hope that it will help me mature mentally and phsyically as a person.

I wish everyone a safe and happy New YEAR!

Poem.

My mind thinks
it's a dream
My eyes don't
see it
But my heart
feels it

but then
I look back
to see that

I use to think
it wasn't a dream
I use to believe in
what my eyes saw
My heart alway felt it

I was alway alone
until she came
changes became strange
then I fell in love
with this change.

Define.

To believe is to accept specific pieces of information as truth. It could also mean to place faith in a person or a concept. Somethings we believe is that we cannot have everything in our lives. Most of us believe we cannot have wealth and health, great relationships/experiences. For some reason whether it society, our parents or our religion, it was taught to us that to ask for any or all of these things was not possible. It is consider greedy or selfish. We believe there is some limit in what we can have.

Does that make sense when you look at the abundant lavishness of nature? Then why would we believe there is a limit in what we can have? If our joy is to be wealthy and healthy, happy with loving relationships and experiences then why can we not have it? If you ask your heart right now if there is a limit, what is the answer? Of course not!!! Than we must get rid of these thought and start believing what we want to believe. As human we believe what we are told as a child, from fairy tales to holidays characters. As the holiday comes, little boys and girl are made to believe Santa Claus. We must also remember the true meaning of the holidays and must never forget that there is no limit in happiness. We have to believe that it's not all about exchanging present but spending time with love ones.

Self.

Believing there were better days coming, believing that true love was going to be found, believing someone was going to save me in my darkest time and believing that she was going to come back to me were some things that I thought about in my life. As a child growing up, I was taught from my parents that life would be get better if we work hard. I alway remembered that because when I look back we had nothing but our belief, we made it pretty far. Through out my life I believed in so many things, it had shape me as a person. I had believed in great relationship and experiences in my teens years. From the first taste of relationship I knew that all I wanted was to find that special person who I can share my life with. It was like believing in Santa Claus, hoping he came down the fireplace and bring all the thing I had wish for. But as you grow older you start losing what you believe in and when you stop believing you become lost.

Life is full with surpises only if you believe what life have to offer. In order to love or be loved you must believe in yourself that you can offer what your heart can give. Lately I'm starting to believe that everyone is meant to be with someone. The quote "if you love something you have to let it go, and if it comes back it was alway yours" is offically believeable now. Through my darkest time, she came back and brighten my day. With that I want to say have a safe holiday and Merry Christmas!! See you next year 2008!

Poem.

Love is happiness,
but only when you believe
it will last forever.

Even though every time
it turns out to be a lie,
it's only faith that gives
love its strength and joy.

Define.

What is confidence?  Confidence is a state of mental process that arises from considering if a person is capable of something. Confidence can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, as those without it may fail or not try because they lack it. Confidence is related to one's self esteem. When a person loses confidence they no longer trust in the ability to perform. Faith and Trust are synonyms of confidence when used in this sense. The lack of confidence causes a person to lose security and gain shyness toward one feelings.

Self.

While growing up in the Bronx. NY, I never had a great sense of confidence in myself. The reason could of been that majority of the cultures were mostly black and spanish, so I was alway put down because I was asian. In school I was probably the only asian in my grade ever since pre-K to eight grade. What I felt was that no one saw me or notices me. Think about for a second, how do you build your confidence when no one notices you? I grew up having low self-esteem which cause me to be shy. I never had confidence to do many things. Somethings were dancing at a school dance. Yes I was the kid on the side sitting or watching other people have fun. Then other time was asking a girl out. It felt like people would of laugh at me.

Confidence had play an important role in my life when I was young which I wish I had. When I think it was pretty sad to think that I was ugly or something. As I move to New Jersey, I was surrounded by people who I could relate to. My friends had play a role on building my confidence up, it was like taking babystep. From being myself to going out with girls, I learn many things that made me who I am today. Through confidence I had a chance to learn many things in relationships and in life.

Event.

Today I had a sense of confidence while hanging out with my friends. We were talking about my xanga and how I alway start a entry with a theme. So we came up with a theme today and it turn out to be about confidence, lately my confidence came back. Everything in my life right now is falling together for the first time in a long time. So on this special day I had the confidence to be a CAMWHORE!

Poem.

RAWR
Do you hear that?
That's the sound of my lungs
Shouting to be heard.

I'm coming out in the open
Saying what I want to say
Things that I would never say

RAWR
All eyes on me
I look around
Attentions on me
I fear no one

Now I smile

Define.

Ever since our childhood we are taught to make a wish on our birthday or on a shooting star, with the hope of desiring for something to come true. Fictionally, wishes are used as a plot devices. In fairy tales, it is an opportunities for "making a wish" or for wishes to come true and be granted. The wisher has an opportunity to identify what they most desire of all the things in the world. There's many different type of wisher; one that wishes to be wealthy, those who wish to live in a peaceful world, those who wish their father/mother came back, those who didn't know where life will take them and those who wish they had someone to love.

Sometime we do not understand reality enough to distinguish betwen what is fantasy and what is reality. This miscommunication may result in a false sense of security, followed by an unfulfilled wish and disappointment.

Self.

I remember watching Aladdin when I was a kid, thinking how cool it would be to have a genie and being granted 3 wishes. Oh man the things I wanted back then; all the video game system and games ever made, never having to go to school, and being famous/wealthy. But as I grew older I think back to that day when the movie Aladdin taught me about wishes. Wishes to me became something I desired or hope for. When ever it was during hard time or a sense of being lost, I would turn to a wish and hope it come true. The more I think about it, wishes are like hope. With out hope we become lost within ourself, spiritly and mentally. These days we forget wishes and we turn to hope. Since the holidays are coming up most people hope for good things to come and other hope that they won't be alone. I know this holidays season all I wish/hope for is being able to find someone special.

Poem.

I wish that I could be the one
To warm your world with love
Remove the clouds above
To reveal the stars above

I wish that I could be the one to wipe the tear
From the corner of your eye
Bring happiness for your sorrow
Bring a smile for your frown

I wish that I could
Put hope within your heart
Make today the best you've had
Right from the very start

I wish that I were able to
Make your dream come true
I wish I could - I wish I could
Be the one to do all these things for you

Define.

In every generation the word "LOVE" is define in many ways. Some people see it as little pleasure that comes with love. Other see it as a intense feeling of affection and emotion or an emotional state. No matter where you come from or what your cultures is, love is inherent in all human cultures. For some generation, we are taught to love each other the way we want to be loved. For some, love is define by the varying degrees of importance on the kinds of love they recieve. According to philosphers, the only goal of life is to be happy.There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved; Love is essentially and abstract concept, much easier to experience then to explain.

Self.

My love life sucks is what I can say about the topic. It really has been almost 4 years and counting. Within those years I must say I understood the meaning of being in love and thinking your in love. Through out all the relationship I've been in, there were many girls that see it differently. Some thought it was like a fairy tale; prince charm was the perfect guy, everything he said and did was also perfect with timing. Then there's the movie dreamer; the one who thinks everything in movies are realistic, the one who put faith in there hands, and then the one that thinks Mr. Nice is the one who will win their hearts. For one, fairy tales are stories we love to hear when we was young while we was put to bed . Second, movies are made to entertain us.

Life doesn't work as well as a fairy tale or a movie, it shouldn't define us as a person on what love has to be/feel like. We should write our own fairy tale, even make our own love scene in a movie.

Poem. 

To proclaim that I love her
Is so easy to say
And for that, I will tell her
In my own special way

Through meaningful words
And the warmth of my touch
Through these nights of romance
She deserves o' so much

She's trapped in my heart
She's always on my mind
She gives me her love
Our hearts intertwine

For the woman I love
I have searched my whole life
But I know that I have found her